Freakish Vampirific Nonsense
by Death By Stereo
Summary: THE LOST BOYS RETARDED FIC! If you're not into retardedness and stupid random crap, DONT READ THIS!! I'M WARNING YOU
1. Bunny Suits

This is complete and total nonsense so if you're not a fan of The Lost Boys, Billy Baldwin, hating Michael, Bunny Suits, and Strip-O-Gram hooker, Luscious Malfoy, then don't read! You have been fore-warned!  
  
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Chapter 1: Bunny Suits  
  
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"Yech, smells like someone died," Chelsea muttered to herself as they drove past a huge billboard that told her she was now in Santa Carla, the murder capital of the world. Yipee.  
  
"Smells like your mom!" Ashley informed her, laughing hysterically. Chelsea soon followed after thinking about the statement for a moment.  
  
"Girls, calm down, okay? I don't need this right now. I've got a migraine." a man, coincidently resembling Kevin Bacon, snapped at us.  
  
"Yes sir, Captain Skelator!" Chelsea saluted him.  
  
"Yeah," Ashley chimed in. "where's your sidekick, Boner Man?"  
  
"Up my ass!" Kevin Bacon look-alike stated.  
  
"Corey Haim's got a hot ass," Chelsea said, dazing.  
  
Ashley knew that this was her moment."Your mom's got a hot ass!"  
  
"Guaah!!" Chelsea waved her hands at Ashley, not doing anything but looking stupid in the process.  
  
"Here we are." they somehow pulled up to a dusty road driveway really quickly, and Kevin Bacon shut the engine off.  
  
"Yech, smells like someone died." Chelsea repeated herself.  
  
"Shut up, man-whore!" Ashley rolled her eyes, yanking out her precious, precious "Luscious Malfoy: Strip-O-Gram Hooker: Monday-Friday at 7pm." flyer, and admiring his long white hair and pimp cane.  
  
"I would laugh if it was ruined." Chelsea muttered.  
  
"I'd laugh at your mom!"  
  
"My mom is hotter than your mom!"  
  
"EW!"  
  
"Here's your bunny suit," Chelsea pulled a box from the trunk and planted it in Ashley's arms.  
  
"Uh, excuse me?" came a hot voice.  
  
Chelsea looked up and died. Well, not really. It was just a really hot guy and another ugly, taller guy standing with the hot guy. "Who are you?" she asked, completely smitten.  
  
"I'm Sam. And this is Michael. Michael's my brother."  
  
"I don't see the resemblance. I mean, you're hot, and you're - " Ashley eyed the curly-haired taller boy, Michael, and crinkled her nose.  
  
"Thanks a bunch," Michael rolled his eyes.  
  
"Did anyone ever tell you your hot?" Chelsea asked Sam. "Yeah. My dog."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Is that a bunny suit?" Sam questioned.  
  
"Maybe!" Ashley gave Sam some shifty eyes and went behind Chelsea to put on her bunny suit.  
  
"Do you have a costume too?" Sam wanted to know.  
  
"Yeah. Billy Baldwin! OW OW OW! But it's somewhere in that mess."  
  
"Can we help you unpack?" Michael asked.  
  
"Nah. But Sam can."  
  
"Sweet," Sam picked up and box and helped them unpack. Chelsea helped when needed, but occasionally dropped a box or too on Michael's foot because he's weird, and Ashley hopped around hitting Sam in the ass with a carrot.  
  
"Well," Michael said, dusting off his leather chaps. "I guess we better be going."  
  
"NO!!" Chelsea shrieked.  
  
"We live across the street," Sam told her. "you can visit anytime."  
  
"Okie. I'll visit you when your asleep and uh, you know." she started to imitate a rather vulgar movement, but who should walk in none other than -  
  
"Daniel Baldwin!!" Chelsea jumped up and down.  
  
"I'm Billy Baldwin!" Billy Baldwin corrected her, holding onto a very large piece of black cardboard in his masculine hands. It had the word 'censored' written on it in yellow bubble letters. He stuck in in front of Ashleys pelvis in her bunny suit. "do that again." he instructed.  
  
Ashley did, she imitated that ugly move from here until Sunday, with Billy Baldwin doing his job: censoring. When Ashley had finished, he had a devious smile plastered on his hot face. He threw the sign away, and walked to Michael.  
  
"What do YOU want, Baldy?" Michael challenged.  
  
Billy Baldwin didn't answer. He just smiled. He then yanked Michael's pants down to his ankles, and ran off with his censored sign.  
  
"You assHOLE!" he talked the 'ass' part, but screamed the 'hole' part, so it sounded extremely gay.  
  
"He was hot." Chelsea remembered.  
  
Michael pulled up his pants.  
  
"Is it true that Santa Carla is loaded with vampires?" Ashley asked.  
  
"Yeah! And it's the murder capital of the world?" Chelsea added.  
  
"Well, let me put it this way," Sam started. "if all the corpses were to stand up all at once, we'd have one hell of a population problem."  
  
"Whoa!!" Ashley gushed, completely thrilled.  
  
"Dude! You stole that from Grandpa!" Michael accoused.  
  
"I'm sorry, I have to do this," Billy Baldwin reappeared, and pulled down Michael's pants again. "CENSORED!" he yelled, putting the 'censored' cardboard over Michael's, erm, area.  
  
Chelsea fell to the floor laughing, as did Sam, and Ashley hopped around, smacking Sam in the ass again.  
  
"Why do you keep doing that!?" Michael wanted to know.  
  
"It's my job! Pulling your pants down, and censoring shit! Oops!" he put the cardboard over his mouth and said "shit' but it came out as a mind- numbing *BEEP*  
  
"I think we better go," Sam said as Billy Baldwin left. Don't worry. He'll be back. Like the Terminator.  
  
"Bye Sam!" Chelsea smiled. "Blech, Michael."  
  
"Freaks!" Michael pulled up his pants and stormed out behind Sam.  
  
As soon as they left, Ashley started screaming. "MAN WAS HE HOT!!!"  
  
"EEE!" Chelsea agreed, and the two girls sat around eating carrots until it was time to have dinner. Carrot soup.  
  
"I wanna be a vampire." Ashley said randomly ten minutes later.  
  
"Yeah. Me too. Only I don't wanna eat people." Chelsea said.  
  
"I DO!"  
  
"Bluh?"  
  
"Yeah. I wonder if there ARE vampires around here."  
  
"Hopefully some hot ones."  
  
"That could be arranged!" some hot vampire out of the blue appeared at the door. "Come join us!" he said mysteriously, which would normally scare away the person.  
  
But these girls aren't normal.  
  
"Come join us!!" the blonde, mullet-haired guy shouted, his words echoing off the walls.  
  
"Okay!" Ashley and Chelsea jumped to their feet, and followed the mysterious stranger.  
  
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Yeah, we're lame. Chelsea wrote this. I'm Chelsea. I'm also WeBuiltThisCityOnRockAndRoll. But i only write Mighty Duck fics. Until this one. I share this account with Ashley, or Jack. Whatever. And we just like to be stupid. So let us. Flame if you must, but we will only send evil thoughts your way. Mwaha. You can count on numerous appearances by our Censor Guy and Puller Of Michael's Pants guy, Billy Baldwin. And yes, more bunny suits. And YES, the Frog Brothers. This will absolutly go nowhere so yeah. Eggs. 


	2. Squee!

Squeee!! more nonsence and ...er... YOUR MOM!  
  
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Chapter 2: Squee!  
  
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"SQUEE!!" Ashley yelled as she held onto the really hot blonde guy. They were on a motorcycle so... if she didnt hang on, she'd have died Oo.  
  
" Whats Squee mean?!" Chelsea yelled from somewhere in the bak.  
  
"Squee.. the verb to squee, i squee, u squee, he/she squee--"  
  
"Shut up!!" Chelsea yelled," I get it!"  
  
"Oh ok ^__^"  
  
The Blonde guy, who turned out to be vampire babe David, was taking both girls to *cough* the vampire hotal *cough* to become blood sucking vampires of.. er.. tuesday!? Marco had asked why one of them was wearing a bunny suit and swinging a carrot but Ashley told him to, as she elequantly put it, to fuck off and mind his own damn business, Marco smirked and shut up.  
  
"I'm cold!" Ashley sobbed.  
  
"I'm hungry!" Chelsea whined.  
  
"I'm to sexy for my shirt!" Draco ran past them, shirtless.  
  
Ashley blinked," That was odd... and ...er..odd!"  
  
"Almost there..." David said in his sexy echoing voice, that made Ashley go all.. shivery.  
  
Chelsea snorted several times like a pig and yelled," BONER MAN NANANNANAN!!" while singing a cheap rip off of the batman theme. Marco looked very scared and worried for the sake of his sanity. David parked his bike by a set of wooden stairs that went down into some carvern thingy that was er.. wrecked by an earthquake.  
  
"Yay!" Ashley hopped around in her bunny suit, smacking Marco over the head with her carrot," I love this shit!" Just as Ashley said shit, Billy Baldwin ran past with a 'cencored' sign and the shit made a sound like a car crash. David disappeared down the stairs and his little vampire posse disappeared with him.  
  
"So..er.. where'd the hot vampire babe go!?" Chelsea blinked.  
  
"Down here girls!" David called.  
  
Ashley ran to the stairs and hopped down them, bunny ears flooping over slighty. Suddenly she tripped and fell down several steps all the while swearing which ended up in a very long, loud BEEEEEEEEP sound and continued on after she stopped falling.  
  
"ASHLEY!! SHHH!!" Billy yelled, throwing the cencored sign at her.  
  
"Ow.. hey.. that was my head man!" Ashley brandished her carrot like a sword," ON GARDE MA PETIT ..ER...CRUTON!!!"  
  
"Did u just call me a Cruton?" Billy snapped his fingers and ninja mice appeared.  
  
"OH NO NINJA MICE! SAVE ME JEBUS!" Ashley began beating the mice like Donkey Kong does when he has that hammer in the old Arcade games where you have to save this chick... er.. ya! David blinked his sexy eyes and kicked Billy's ass out for the moment. Chelsea started singing the YMCA for some reason and did alittle dance which ended in Marco getting hit in the face with a wooden mallet which came out of no where and fell on his head.  
  
"Er.. Chelsea.. I think you did the Mexican Wooden Mallet dance instead of the YMCA.." Ashley smiled, nibbling Davids arm without noticing.  
  
"And your the one whos trying to eat the vampire!" Chelsea pimp slapped Ashley off of David.  
  
"AWWW... BUT I LOVVVEEE HIM!!" Ashley whined, hopping around Paul smacking him with her carrot.  
  
"................." Chelsea just shook her head and walked into a metal fence in which several teletubbies ran out of in a mix of laughter and insane plotting to take over the world with toothpicks.  
  
"THEY STOLE MY IDEA!" Ashley yelled shaking her fist. David grabbed both girls and pulled them into the vampire hotel thingy with the most evilest smile on his face. Ashley smacked his ass randomly and ran bak to beat Marco with her carrot until he had to hold her arms at her side and psyically carry her into the hole thingy, Ashley made it difficult and started making satan babble and giggling....  
  
"David.. are you sure you want to make these to vampires... once a bunny and the other is a--"  
  
Marco was cut off by Chelsea yelling "MARCO!"  
  
"POLO!"  
  
"MARCO!"  
  
"POLO"  
  
"MARCO!"  
  
"POLO!"  
  
"MARCO!"  
  
"POLO!"  
  
"MARCO!"  
  
"POLO!"  
  
"MARCO!"  
  
"POL-- OW DAMN THAT WAS MY SHIN! U *BEEEEEEEEEEEPING* SON OF A *BEEEEEP* I SHOULD *BEEP* U OUT OF *BEEPING* EXSITENCE!!"  
  
Ashley had walked right into a rock and swore badly again. Dwayne laughed and was pimp slapped by Ashley's carrot.  
  
"David.. she pimp slapped me!" Dwayne whimpered.  
  
"Your a vampire... .. dont cry... Oo" David lounged in a chair, drinking red stuff.  
  
"Wow.. what are you drinking and can I have some!?" Chelsea asked.  
  
"Sure.. its blood..." David smirked.  
  
"WOOOO GO VITAL SUBSTENCES!!" Ashley cawed from a corner.  
  
David hurled the bottle at Ashley who caught it like and dog and drank some of it before throwing it at Chelsea who missed and fell on her ass. Lucius caught it.  
  
"Lucius.. what are U doing here.. U HAVE A SHOW TO BE AT!" Ashley smacked him several times with her carrot and stole the bottle bak," Wow... its good!" She downed half the bottle and had it pryed away by Chelsea.  
  
"Come on DONT BE A BLOOD HOG!" Chelsea drank the rest," I SEE COLORS! wait.. no.. thats my imagination acting up again..."  
  
Ashley yawned," so.. when does this vampire shit happen?"  
  
David smiled with his sexy vampire... ness? "Soon.."  
  
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Jack (Aka Ashley) wrote this chapter. She's a retard and claims that she can't upload [bleep] (THANKS BILLY!) onto her computer so *I* have to do it. And she hasn't made her part of the profile yet because she's too busy having sex with Lucious Malfoy and his son in a big vat of peanut butter in the kitchen next to the lawn ornaments. So yeah. Don't mind her. HAH! 


	3. Sam In A Robe

Chapter 3: Sam In A Robe!  
  
"How soon is SOON?" Ashley demanded, biting Chelsea to give her the blood bottle.  
  
"Yeow! [bleeping] [bleep]!" Billy Baldwin ran in when needed.  
  
"Did anyone ever tell you you're hot?" Ashley asked David, who was enjoying a carton full of worms.  
  
"Want some?" he offered Chelsea, who was humming mindlessly.  
  
"What is it?" she wanted to know.  
  
"Worms."  
  
"Ew!" she wrinkled her face, looking somewhat like ugly Jamie Lee Curtis.  
  
"Well, we have some maggots, if you'd prefer - "  
  
"Okie!" she exclaimed and downed a bunch of maggots.  
  
"Marco!" Ashley jumped in front of Marco.  
  
"Uh," he started at the bunny on caffiene. "Polo?"  
  
"Toot toot!" she whistled.  
  
"Don't you guys feel anything weird?" Dwayne questioned from the couch while Laddie was sound asleep.  
  
"I feel a weird sensation for carrots!" Ashley hit Laddie's stuffed bar with carrot nun-chucks.  
  
"I gotta new sensation for Billy Baldwin!" Chelsea shrieked, awaking Laddie from his slumber.  
  
"Someone say my name?" someone appeared.  
  
"Billy Baldwin!!" Ashley cooed, running up to him and fondeling his manhood.  
  
"Wait!" Chelsea ran up. "That's Stephen Baldwin!"  
  
"How do *YOU* know?!" Ashley kept on touching.  
  
"Because Billy is on the floor, censoring your groping!"  
  
"EEK!" Ashley leapt away, spat on her hands and died. Well, not really.  
  
"Why exactly did you want to transform these two blondes?" Paul whispered to Dav id.  
  
Hot David smiled hotly and looked to Ashley, who was still smacking Laddie, then to Chelsea, who was singing "It's Raining Men."  
  
"They live across the street from the Emerson's," David explained. "It won't be long before we get these two to get those two to join!"  
  
"Ah! I see said the blind man to his deaf wife and the crippled kids danced a jig it's all coming back to me now as the guy peed into the wind!" Paul grinned.  
  
But the grin disapeared when David swatted him across his Twisted-Sister like face.  
  
"I'll tell them their objective when we go to the train tracks. I'll just tell them they're 007 and they'll think they're on some world-saving mission." David laughed.  
  
"Good idea, dude!" Paul tittered.  
  
hah. titter.  
  
"Honeys! I'm home!" hippie-Star entered the cavern, bright-eyed and ditzy. "Where's my David?"  
  
"YOU'RE DAVID?!" Ashley freaked. "YOU BITCH!!! HI YAH!" she lunged at Star and beat the hell out of her until she couldn't be recognizable by police.  
  
"Why did you do that?!" David and Laddie shuoted in unison.  
  
"I'M your Star now! Well, only I'm a bunny." she said proudly, still hopping around.  
  
"Don't you think it's time to go to those train tracks now?" Marco asked no one in particular. He just hadn't said anything for a while.  
  
"Wait," David held up his gloved hand. "Allison, Cassie, come here."  
  
"Excuse me!" Chelsea bucked up to David. "I'm Chelsea. Chelsea Pan Potter Baldwin Haim Emerson!"  
  
"Yeah! And I'm Ashley Malfoy Feldman Winter Isaacs Felton Sutherland David!" Ashley insisted.  
  
"Whatever!" David exclaimed, giving Ashley a sexy look for some reason.  
  
Ashley died.  
  
"You guys want to do a job for me?"  
  
"For sexy David? ANYTHING!" Ashley fell to her knees.  
  
"Yes," David hadn't realized that this was going to be so easy. "Chelsea, I want you to be Harry Potter - "  
  
"DONE!"  
  
"And Ashley, I want you to be Draco Malfoy - "  
  
"DONER!"  
  
"And I want you to do something for me. I want you to bring Sam and Michael Emerson here, so they can join our posse." David smiled to Ashley, and she died again.  
  
"Should Billy come in if you're dying? Isn't that, uh, not exactly suitable for children?" Chelsea asked.  
  
"HEY! I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB!" Billy Baldwin's voice rang through the musty air.  
  
"DUDE! That was the smartest thing you've said all . . your life!" Ashley realized.  
  
"I know! . . . HEY!"  
  
"Go! Now!" David roared.  
  
"Oh yeah! This is for calling us blondes, Paul!" Ashley ran towards Paul in rage-mode. But before she could, however, Chelsea and Ashley's sight went hazy and blurry and they fell asleep.  
  
~  
  
"What are you guys doing here?" a hot voice demanded, shocked.  
  
Chelsea's eyes fluttered open to Sam standing over her in his bathrobe. Billy Baldwin was on the floor beside Chelsea (I wish), holding a black censored sign over Sam's goods.  
  
Chelsea died from this hot sight, and Billy did his job for her too, then disapeared.  
  
"Hellooo!?" Sam waved a skinny hand over Chelsea's face and kicked her.  
  
Ashley woke up then, whipped off her bunny suit, took out her hair gel and cape, and gelled her hair back. "My name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."  
  
Sam snorted.  
  
"Think my names funny do you? No need to ask yours. Blondish hair, and a . . . uh, robe, YOU'RE AN EMERSON!"  
  
"Right." Sam rolled his eyes at Ashley.  
  
"Where's Michael?" Chelsea asked.  
  
"Eating my dog." Sam joked.  
  
"Get him. We're going. And keep that robe on." Chelsea smiled and whipped open Sam's rboe.  
  
Alec Baldwin rushed out, and blocked Chelsea's view of Sam.  
  
"Where's Billy?" Ashley stomped her foot.  
  
"He's in the can. I had to run in." Alec said.  
  
Sam did up his robe and Alec left. "How did you guys get in here?"  
  
"We're, uh, pixies." Ashley guffawed.  
  
Sam furrowed his hot eyebrows. "I'll go get Michael."  
  
"Michael's ugly." Ashley declared, and Chelsea began to sing "U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi, you ugly!"  
  
They all left when Michael Ugly Pants came down, and they set out for the train tracks for depantsing of Michael's pants and transformation. Perhaps a little biteage on the way. *oops!* 


	4. Lost Newsies and Lost Dudes

Chapter 4: Lost Newsies and Lost Dudes  
  
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"So uh, where are we going, goils?" Sam Emerson asked cautiously as the two girls danced around him and Michael.  
  
"GOILS!!" Chelsea looked at Ashley.  
  
Ashley looked at Chelsea.  
  
Chelsea looked at Ashley.  
  
Ashley looked at Chelsea.  
  
"HELOO!?" Sam interjected.  
  
"BITE ME!" Chelsea exclaimed.  
  
"Schma!!" Sam sighed.  
  
"We're going to get you dudes to turn into vamps." Ashley explained suddenly.  
  
Sam whimpered. "Why?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Why am I here exactly?" Michael wanted to know.  
  
"Because your going to get depantsed." Ashley said.  
  
"Oh." Michael smiled stupidly.  
  
When the four somewhat teenagers got to the bridge, Marco, Dwayne, Paul, and Hot David were waiting there.  
  
"Excellent." David rubbed his leather gloves together, setting them on fire.  
  
"DUDE!" Chelsea screamed and ran off with Sam into the bushes. For uh. No reason.  
  
"I'll put you out!" Ashley hawked a loogie and spat on David's hands and the fire went out.  
  
"What do we do now?" Sam emerged from the bushes, looking like a vampire.  
  
For some reason.  
  
"We dangle!" Marco exclaimed, giggling like a school girl.  
  
"WOOT!" Chelsea was the first to leap off, then Ashley, then the rest of the vampires. Sam was hesitant, but jumped down anyway.  
  
"Look at me! I'm the King Of New York!" Chelsea sang as she had a chicken fight with Ashley.  
  
"Come on, Michael!" David called out.  
  
"Yeah, Michael!" Marco added.  
  
"Don't be afraid, Michael!" Dwayne piped up.  
  
"Michael!" Paul said.  
  
"BLAHH!!" Ashley screamed.  
  
"Look at me! I'm respectable starin' right at cha, lousy with stature - "  
  
"Did someone call my name?" Spot Conlon appeared out of nowhere, followed by Racetrack Higgins, Mush, and Jack Kelly/Francis Sullivan.  
  
"Holy crap!" Ashley nearly fell off.  
  
"You guys wanna hang?" Chelsea asked eagerly, trying not to drool at the sight of Spot's pimp cane and half open shirt.  
  
"Yeah! Come 'ere cowboy!" Ashley chuckled.  
  
"Are you forgetting about me!?" Marco demanded.  
  
"You're not me!" someone piped up from the bridge and behind the Newsies.  
  
"Whut!?" Marco questioned.  
  
"I'M me!" Bill S. Preston Esquire emerged from shorty Racetrack and plastic- faced Jack.  
  
"And I'm me, too! Well. Sorta." Ted "Theodore" Logan appeared too, looking doofy.  
  
"How's it hanging, Bill and Ted?" Chelsea, Ashley, David, Paul, Marco, Dwayne, Sam, Michael, Jack, Spot, Mush, and Race asked.  
  
"Most bodacious." Bill S. Preston replied. He eyed Marco evilly. "I must kill you now!"  
  
"WAIT!" David shouted. "Get Michael down here. For ceremonial depantsation."  
  
"Duh, okay." Michael, like a dork, jumped down and hung beside David.  
  
"He's ready, Billy!" Chelsea called out.  
  
"For what?!?!!?!!?!?!" Michael screamed for no apparent reason.  
  
"You rang?" Bill. S Preston asked.  
  
"Not you!" Paul groaned.  
  
"Billy Baldwin!" David smiled his fangs.  
  
Just then, a herd of Baldwins stampeded over the bridge and leapt off onto Michael's leather chaps. Without hesitation, the pants fell into smoke, along with 30 to 40 Baldwins that plummeted to the Earth.  
  
"Bye Bye Birdies!" Ashley cooed.  
  
"Hey, will you Newsies sing?" Chelsea asked eagerly.  
  
"YEAH YEAH!" the other vampires agreed, completely out of charactor, seeing as how they were murderous bloodsuckers from hell.  
  
"A pair of new shoes with matchin' laces!" Mush did a backflip.  
  
"A permanant box at Sheepshed races!" Race hopped around tapdancing.  
  
"A porcelain tub with boilin' water!" Spot sang and Chelsea swooned.  
  
"A Saturday night with the Mayor's daughter!" someone from the great beyond sang. Probably a Baldwin.  
  
"Look at me! I'm the King Of New York! Suddenly, I'm respectable, Starin' right at cha!" Race sang some more, making Sam swoon. HA!  
  
"Nobbin' with all da muckity mucks! I'm blowin' mah dough and goin' deluxe!" Jack sang in Ashley's direction, and she fell to her death. Kidding. She floated back up due to her vampirific crap inside of her, and the Baldwins below would have saved her fall, anyway.  
  
"And there I be! Ain't I pretty? It's my city I'm the King Of New York!" Mush ended Races last woids with a backflip and Jack did some rolling thing and Spot just boogied because apparently he doesn't do much more than that. *sob*  
  
"Okay. So now what? The Newsies sang and Michael was pantsed. Now what?" Ashley eyes the teeny bulge that bulged in Michaels tidey-whiteys. Of course, Billy Baldwin was standing by, if anything was to happen.  
  
"I want the Baldwins to come back!" Chelsea giggled like mad.  
  
"Have you guys forgotten about us?" Bill S. Preston said suddenly.  
  
"Yeah. We could leave. You know. If you like, want us to?" Ted "Theodore" Logan added.  
  
"I! Wanna rock and roll all night! And party everyday!" Chelsea sang, and Ashley smacked her with one hand while holding on with the other.  
  
"KISS!" Bill S. Preston and Ted "Theodore" Logan said together. They did their little guitar riff, and through the magic of fanfiction, all of the people hanging did the guitar riff too and didn't fall. The Newsies did the riff too but it only sounded like a banjo.  
  
Without warning, the entire supply of New York Newsies, I'm talking Brooklyn, Manhatten, Queens and the Bronx, they all piled onto the bridge and did a stupid guitar riff that sounded like a banjo again, and the bridge began to moan. Not in that way.  
  
"Sounds like the bridge is getting it on!" Ashley cackled.  
  
I SAID NOT IN THAT WAY!!!!  
  
"Nobody move!" David ordered. "We're all going to fall. Everyone who is not a vampire will be killed."  
  
"NOT MY BILL S. PRESTON AND JACK KELLY! I WILL NOT LEAVE WITHOUT YOU!" Ashley pulled herself up and hugged Jack, and he fell to the ground.  
  
"It didn't fall!" Chelsea noted.  
  
"WE KNOW, DOORNOB!" Sam snarled.  
  
"BITE ME!"  
  
"CHOMP!"  
  
"....."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You said 'chomp' but you didn't bite."  
  
"BITE ME!" Sam snarled again.  
  
***CHOMP***  
  
"YEOW!"  
  
"Everybody get up here! And all you Newsies, BEGONE!!" David got to the top of the bridge and put a hand down to pull Marco up.  
  
"Make us 'begone' you dirty, rotten scabber!" Spot swung his pimp cane intimidatingly.  
  
The Newsies 'oohed' and 'ahhed' but David turned Spot into a vampire.  
  
"YOU BUM! I'll soak yah!" Racetrack ran, marbles and dice flying, and attempted to tackle David. He turned Racetrack into a vampire too.  
  
One by one, David turned Mush, Jack, Crutchy, Boots, Skittery, Kid Blink, Pie Eater, Bill S. Preston, and Ted "Theodore" Logan into vampires. But Crutchy, Boots, Skittery, Kid Blink and Pie Eater couldn't take it so they commited suicide over the bridge, Billy Baldwin bleeping out the swears in the process.  
  
So now there were Lost Boys, Lost Girls, Lost Newsies, and Lost Dudes to join the family. What stinkin' bizarre situation could happen next? SCHMA!  
  
-----  
  
Chelsea wrote this crap, and Jack will write crap in the next chaper. Hope it was to yer liking. I would like to state that Racetrack, Spot, Mush and Jack are kickass. They dance! Well, Spot boogies but hell, it's a damn good boogie. 


	5. Party Hardy

Chapter ..uh..ya!: Party Hardy  
  
Ashley randomly danced around Marko who was picking his teeth with a banjo pic for some reason. The Lost Newsies and The Lost Dudes where having a tiff which ended in everyone doing the guitar riff and Chelsea breaking into long versions of Im the King of New York while a dog howled in teh bak round...  
  
"So er.. wait are we going to do now?!" Ashley arsked from the bak, suddenly stopping her horrible interpritation of the Moon Walk.  
  
"Why dont we......PARTY!" David ran in from no where with millions of invitations to a party for some reason.  
  
"I second the motion!" Chelsea howled from over in that direction.  
  
"ALL IN FAVOR SAY.... CHINKY LINKY BANGERS N MASH!" Someone in the bakround yelled.  
  
And everyone said Chinky Linky Bangers N mash even tho there would be no banging included in this fic *cough!*  
  
" Whos being Banged now?"  
  
I SAID COUGH DAMNIT!! Soon all the Lost Newsies were putting up decorations around the Lost Boys hide out cave thingy, The Lost dudes where doing the Guitar Riff and Chelsea was picking her nose and making Pigs in a blanket XD. Random Loud songs from Manson blared through the room and soon ppl where having to move out of the way because Ashley was doing some mondo bizarre headbanging!  
  
"...Like.. Totally Bodacious Ashley Dude..." Bill S. Preston gave her a thumbs up.  
  
Ashley did the Guitar Rif and ran into a wall.  
  
"... Trinity.. i dont think we're in Zion anymore.."  
  
Everyone looked over as Neo and Trinity walked into the cave with their big ass trenchcoats and shiny pliable vinyl and leather. Chelsea walked over and stuffed three hotdogs into their mouths and ran away to hide behind Marko who just blinked.  
  
"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW! DOO DO DO DO DOOO!" David broke into some hardcore breakdancing which was totally out of character but he didnt seem to care, niether did anyone else for that matte - -  
  
"Hey! person writing this!!" Dwayne yelled from his couch over there.  
  
"Um.. Hi? u do know two people are writing this fic?"  
  
"Ya we know!" Jack yawned.  
  
"Can we get a hooker?" Paul cackled.  
  
"No..." "Aww... i dont think your getting enough meat in your diet.." Marko cried.  
  
"Er... that just fell 30 feet from making absolutly no sence what so ever... Can i continue writing now!?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
******Aherm*******  
  
"NEVER FEAR... THE FROGS ARE HERE!" Edgar ran around the room like superman on some serious crack which Ended in David making him a Vampire.  
  
"Lost Frogs!" Chelsea Fell over laughing," So thats... Lost Boys, Lost Girls, Lost Newsies, Lost Dudes and Lost Frogs!"  
  
"I agree!" Ashley nodded profoundly," Oooo!! Lost Baldwins!" and everyone did the guitar riff including the herd of baldwins who had appeared out of no where with their black cencored boards and baldwinness.. David sighed heavily and went to work making the very large herd of baldwins vampires.  
  
"Lost Damon!"  
  
"Lost Bale!"  
  
"Lost.. UH.. your mom!"  
  
"MARCO!"  
  
"POLO!"  
  
"I like eggs!"  
  
"Im sure u do!"  
  
"BAR STOOL!"  
  
Jack and Racetrack blinked and Ashley and Chelsea insane ramblings which seemed to lean towards Eggs or something like it. Racetrack played with his suspenders and smoked his cigar. Spot suddenly screamed like a little girl and everyone looked around to him.  
  
"Spot dude, whats wrong?" Bill S preston askedededededed..ya!  
  
"IM A CLOWN" Spot cried and indeed his was. A clown with a puffy rainbow wig and lots o makeup!  
  
"Nooooo!!!!" Chelsea yelled like that guy did only he yelled STELLA not NOO!  
  
"Wow, He looks Better as a clown!" Ashley smiled thoughtfully.  
  
Chelsea smacked Ashley hard over the bak of the head.  
  
Ashley bit Chelsea's arm.  
  
Chelsea threw coconuts at Ashley.  
  
Spot Whistled loudly," Oi, can someone get me outta this clown suit?"  
  
"I WILL!"  
  
And Chelsea and Spot disappeared into a bak room leaving everyone blinking. Music randomly echoed off the cave walls and a disco light someone had strung up on the cieling made swirly lights around cave. Pink ...(A/n: ... Pink is the color of Satan!) streamers were superglued to the rocks and Marko was outta breath from blowing up balloons so he sat in a corner playing with an apple.  
  
"I'll be your scapegoat, i'll be your savior, Im the Better of Two Evils!" Ashley sang in her Marilyn Manson impression.  
  
Bill and Ted echoed the song.  
  
"Dont try and lead me to temptation!!!" Racetrack sang while being totally out of character.  
  
Ashley laughed and jammed a top hat onto her head becuz she likes top hat- -  
  
"Hey! Person Writing this!" Dwayne yelled.  
  
"er... What Dwayne?"  
  
"How are u?" He asked, smiling at the roof.  
  
"Im.. fine, how are u?"  
  
"Im great!" Dwayne laughed.  
  
" Is that all u wanted?"  
  
"Yup, u can go bak to writing now..." Dwayne did the guitar the riff," Tell The other writer i say hi!"  
  
"Thanks, I will..... u crack head..."  
  
"I HEARD THAT!"  
  
"Dwayne stop bothering the writer, shes busy making us talk.." David smirked, sewing Dwaynes mouth shut with a blunt needle and red thread ^__^. Everybody laughed and did the guitar riff! Legolas and Aragorn walked in looking extremely confused.  
  
Gimli and Frodo Followed them looking even more confused.  
  
"Hey, its the dudes from Lord of the Rings..." Bill S. Preston smiled loopily.  
  
"Sup Elf Dude!" Ted "Thedore" Logan called.  
  
Legolas blinked.  
  
Aragorn Blinked.  
  
Gimli fell into the punch bowl.  
  
Frodo looked at his hairy feet.  
  
Chelsea ran out of the bak room screaming random words and tackled Frodo who screamed like alittle girl and fell down with a Chelsea on him.  
  
"Get bak evil demon i have Sting and im not afraid to use it!" Frodo sobbed.  
  
".......Frodo dude shes not gonna hurt ya..." Bill S. Preston chawed.  
  
"Cha... Thats Chelsea!" Ted... ya u get it... smiled.  
  
Ashley moshed past them all in her bunny suit, bunny ears flopping everywhere and carrots swinging madly around wheeeennnnnnnn...  
  
"Move it Scar head!"  
  
"Shut it Mouth Foil!"  
  
"Dont make me use my awsome powers!"  
  
"You'll probubly Up Chuck Slugs again Weasel King..." Chelsea and Ashley stood up and listened intently, Draco, Harry and Ron flounced into the room bickering and Draco and Harry were jumped by the Lost Girls.  
  
"Get off!" Draco howled, batting at Ashley with his sexy-ness.  
  
"DRACOOOOOOO!!!" Ashley wolf howled untill she was hit in the ass with a tranquillizer from David who just shock his head embarressedly.  
  
"Heheh.. tranquillizer...." Ashley keeled over asleep.  
  
"Most Righteous David Dude!" Bill gave him thumbs up.  
  
Everyone did the Guitar Riff XD!  
  
"Hey! Anyone seen any Whores?" Jack The Ripper walked in with his axe and top hat and really old cloak.  
  
"Hello Jack The Ripper!" Everyone said becuz im to lazy to write all those names.. o__O...  
  
"Ya Hi!" Ripper smiked." So, u seen any Whores?!"  
  
"Nope," Edgar said through a mouthful of sprite.  
  
"Not lately..." Alan was playing with his hat.  
  
(A/n: Note how this story is going no where XD!!!!!LMFAO!)  
  
"wait... Isnt Jack the Ripper suppose to be dead?" David asked.  
  
"No...." Ripper cackled and sat down.  
  
WE DONT REBEL TO SELL, IT JUST SUITS US SWELL,WE ARE THE BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS!!!!!!" Ashley was awake and singing.  
  
"Oh Ok ^__^"" AND THE PARTY WENT ON!!!!!!!!! 


	6. The Cave In

Chapter 6 - The Cave In! DUH DUH DUH!!!!!  
  
=====================================  
  
"HOLD IT!!!" Chelsea suddenly bellowed right in the middle of 'Daydream Believer' by the Monkees droned on. She ran to the stereo, planning on slipping right by it in her socks in one swift motion to turn it off, but she ended up running into it and knocking herself over.  
  
"Death by stereo." Sam whispered, looking very anxious that his newfound freaky friend may be dead.  
  
"I'm okay!" She bounced up and turned 'The Monkees' off. "Okay, before this story can go on, a few people need to leave."  
  
Everyone looked at each other almost in tears. The party was just getting started!  
  
"Totally NON NON NON NON Bodacious!" Ted "Theodore" Logan and Bill S. Preston Esquire murmured quietly.  
  
"Okay, I vote that Potter stays...." Chelsea said mischievously as Harry Potter stepped forward, his scar aflame.  
  
"I WANT DRACO!" Ashley gripped Dracos robe and pulled it towards her.  
  
"I want Spotty and Racey and Jack, too!" Chelsea added.  
  
"Not likely, biznatch! Jack's mine! And I want Jacky Zee Rippery too!" She grabbed both Jacks and put them on her side.  
  
"'Ey! Sammy! Get yer butt over here!" Chelsea gestured to Sam Emerson, who very reluctantly stepped up beside Chelsea. "And I want Marco!"  
  
"NO! I GET MARCO!"  
  
"YOU CAN HAVE DWAYNE!"  
  
"I WANT MARCO!"  
  
"THIS ISN'T A MATTER OF WHO GETS WHOM! WE'RE DECIDING WHO STAYS!"  
  
"I WANT MARCO!"  
  
"TAKE DWAYNE!"  
  
"I DON'T WANT DWAYNE!" Ashley shouted, stomping her feet in a 6-year-old- esque fashion.  
  
"I feel so unloved. . " Dwayne cried silently.  
  
"Aw! Dwayne come 'ere! Fine, you take Marco." Chelsea smiled and Dwayne bounced over beside Potter and Marco hobbled over to Ashley.  
  
Pretty soon, Ashley had:  
  
Draco  
  
Neo  
  
Trinity  
  
Jack The Ripper  
  
Jack Kelly  
  
David Davidson (Kiefer Sutherland)  
  
Marco Marcoson  
  
Paul Paulson  
  
Bill S. Preston Esquire  
  
Legolas  
  
Arragorn  
  
Edgar Frog  
  
And Chelsea had:  
  
Sam Emerson  
  
Harry Potter  
  
Dwayne Dwayneson  
  
Spot Conlon (In his clown outfit)  
  
Racetrack Higgins  
  
Ted "Theodore" Logan  
  
The Herd of Baldwins  
  
Frodo  
  
Gimli  
  
Alan Frog  
  
Pretty soon, nobody was left on the other side of the room.  
  
"Waaaait a minute!" Chelsea realized something was up.  
  
"We have everyone on this side! That means nobody goes!" Jack The Ripper concluded, skipping merrily.  
  
"I want eggs . . " Race announced randomly.  
  
"Ugh, I hate eggs!" Bill S. Preston Esquire exclaimed, squishing his face.  
  
"THAT'S AN AWESOME IDEA, MARCO! I'LL BE SHIRTS YOU BE SKINS!" Ashley yelled over the small conversation everyone was having already. 'TAKE YER SHIRT OFF!"  
  
Marco looked scared. "That wasn't my idea . . "  
  
"Do iiiiiittt!" Ashley shook her fist and spoke in a Homer Simpson- esque manner.  
  
"I think Spot should take his shirt off." Chelsea thought aloud.  
  
"I can see up your robe!" Frodo bellowed up to Draco, who was sitting under Draco's robes.  
  
"OY! Get off!" Draco fell over, falling into Potter, who fell into the 4 original vampires (David, Marco, Dwayne and Paul), who fell into Bill and Ted, who eventually tumbled into the herd of Baldwins, then into Spot, Racey, Jack then the other killer Jack, then collided with the Frog brothers, then Legolas fell over for no reason, knocking over Gimli and Arragorn, and just to be funny, Neo and Trinity kicked themselves down. [I can't remember if I forgot anyone]  
  
Pretty soon, only Chelsea and Ashley were left standing.  
  
"Uhhh..." Ashley began.  
  
"I'm frightened." Chelsea finished the thought.  
  
"We're the Frog brothers!" Edgar and Alan announced, hopping to their feet. Edgar looked how and Alan made an evil look. The curled lip and scowling eyes and the whole nine yards.  
  
"Is this chapter going anywhere?" David asked.  
  
"Nah." Chelsea replied.  
  
"I agree."  
  
"With what?" Chelsea stared at Ashley.  
  
"That we need to get rid of some people. It's so hot . . and steamy in here . . so hot . . so hot . . and haatt . . so hot . . "  
  
Chelsea grinned. "SO HOT! WANT TO TOUCH THE HINEY - "  
  
Everyone in the entire cave howled, then guitar riffed, and the cave began to rumble and shake.  
  
"EE! Let's get outta here!" David made an attempt to lead the group but everyone was still guitar riffing. He growled menacingly and finally caught the two morons (Chels and Ash) of the story's attention.  
  
"Follow us!" Chelsea motioned with her hand, and everyone ran out of the cave. The Newsies danced their ways out; the Frog brothers hopped out; (Because they're frogs. Duh.), Neo and Trinity flew through the air Matrix style bending every which way to dodge falling rocks; Chelsea and Ashley ran out with their arms flailing, David, Paul, Dwayne and Marco flew out with their wings, The Herd Of Baldwins stampeded their way out, the Lord Of The Rings dudes used their kick ass magic skills, Bill & Ted used that kick- ass phone booth of theirs, and Draco and Harry flew on their brooms. Sam was hanging on to Harry's firebolt (That sounded gross) and everyone flew to safety.  
  
Because of this ghastly cave in, years from now explorers will NOT be able to find the mounds of pot hidden in Laddies teddy bear, and NOT eventually save mankind when a huge swarm of flesh eating monkeys take over the world by holding the entire cast of 'Gilmore Girls' hostage while aiming a sniper at Colin Farrell from inside a phone booth.  
  
Flesh eating monkeys are out to kill us all!  
  
Who can stop them!?  
  
Ashley!?  
  
Chelsea?!  
  
David?!  
  
Marco!?  
  
BILL S PRESTON ESQUIRE AND TED THEODORE LOGAN!?  
  
Bed & Ted: "No way dude!"  
  
OKAY FINE!  
  
"Can I point out that this won't happen for a couple of years so we needn't worry?" Hermione Granger suddenly came into the picture, and Ashley killed her.  
  
=====================================================  
  
-Authors Ranting- Hey everyone, this is Chelsea. Fanks to all you reviewers, you are majorly Baldwinlicious. You all can duplicate any party member you want and store them in your closet. Just remember that it's only a duplicate and we have the originals in our story. Yes we do.   
  
I'll make 'em an offer 'e can't refoose! 


	7. The Fun filled day at Playdium!

The Fun filled day at Playdium!  
  
------------------------  
  
Ashley yawned and danced around the street, dust still on her clothing from the unfortunate cave in that rendered the Lost boys temporarily homeless...  
  
"Heh.. you guys are homeless," Jack The Ripper giggled at David and was abruptly slapped with a glove.  
  
"That's RUDE mister!" David sobbed going out of character again.  
  
"Why don't we all go to Playdium and dance and have fun and eat until we all explode and everyone in a two block radius will be filled with Nitro and exploded on cue!" Chelsea laughed.  
  
Everyone Blinked.  
  
"RIGHT!" Ashley coughed, having a phlegmy throat.  
  
Edgar hugged Ashley  
  
Ashley Hugged Edgar  
  
Alan hugged David  
  
David screamed and ran up a light pole  
  
The Newises dressed as Drag queens  
  
Everyone Blinked.  
  
Billy Baldwin pulled up in a very large, purple neon limo with Christmas lights around the doors and windows, with the words "ALL NIGHT TAXI SERVICE" written on the hood with very large neon red lights. He grinned and a door opened and smacked Sam in the Gonads! ((A/N I FIND THIS FUNNY!)) and was doubled over in pain.  
  
"Hey.. tis Billy Baldwin.." Ashley pointed  
  
"YAY!!" Chelsea danced like a dancer?  
  
"....um..how are we supposed to fit in there?" Edgar Blinked  
  
"Dunno...but..dude this is gonna be a problem" Alan yawned.  
  
Ashley charged past everyone and dove into the Limo and was followed by Chelsea, David, Marco, Jack the Ripper, Draco, Edgar and Alan, Sam, Pothead (Harry!) and the Newsies leaving the others to duke it out in the Trunk hot tub!  
  
Billy Baldwin stepped on the gas and they were all plastered to the backs of the walls/seats/attempting to hang on with dear life  
  
"I THINK I JUST LOGGED ON TO MY INTERNET!!!" Harry Cried.  
  
"Uh ew!" Chelsea scooted away from him.  
  
"WEEEEEEEEEEE THIS IS BETTER THAN CHEESE!" Ashley cawed, having been plastered onto Edgar.  
  
"Get off of me!" Edgar cried.  
  
The limo lurched to a stop and everyone was thrown a foot forward and suffered from whiplash and for the people in the hot tub well... they crashed through the back window and landed on everyone else who was suffering from whiplash and being stepped on and being smooshed on and being plastered on. The door flopped open and everyone was ejected out and onto the cold sidewalk like whores (Jack the Ripper wasn't about to admit to being a whore because then he would have to kill himself and he didn't feel like it). "Wow.. what a ride!" Ashley laughed, adjusting her hair.  
  
"No shit!" Chelsea had 'shit' bleeped out so it just was No... followed by a rather loud beep and everyone closed their ears for a split second.  
  
"Thanks Billy! U SUCK AT DRIVING!" David yelled.  
  
"Thanks.. I just got my license provoked lasts night... jeesze.. ungrateful asswipe" Billy drove off  
  
"Wow.. I pity who ever gets in that violcheafsf next"  
  
"...What the fuck is a violcheafsf?!" Ashley asked.  
  
"Dunno..."  
  
Chelsea squealed and pointed out that they were at The PNE instead of Playdium which was allot better because it had more stuff to do. Ashley jacked David's wallet and bought everyone an all day pass that costed..alot.. and David had to announce bankruptcy 7 times to his dislike. Ripper looked around and wondered what the Hell the PNE was, he adjusted his top hat and got cotton candy.  
  
"I WANNA GO ON TEH HELLAVATOR!!"  
  
"ME TO!"  
  
"OH HEEEELLLAA NO!" Draco yelled!  
  
"since when does a Malfoy say 'Hella'?" Harry grinned.  
  
"Shuddup ass for brains"  
  
"ass ...for...brains? how exactly is that possible..might I have a look inside your head Mr. Potter" Ripper asked finishing his cotton candy and pulling out a rather large butcher knife.  
  
"UHH NO THANKS!" Harry set off at the run with Ripper behind him laughing insanely and holding a butcher knife in strike mode!  
  
Everyone Blinked.  
  
"... heh.. do u think there is a place called..sample.. and when you're entering it on a sign it says "YER IN SAMPLE" Ashley fell over laughing madly (A/n yes I took that off friends.. and no I don't own them! leave me alone you crazed Lawyers!!)  
  
Chelsea snorted," ONWARDS MEN TO THE THING WITH THE STUFF!"  
  
Ashley linked arms with Edgar and dragged him off to the Log Ride in the Splash Zone... Chelsea followed.. David and the other lost boys went that way and Draco and Legolas went to eat cheese and the others danced on the spot for money! SEVERAL MINUTES LATER!  
  
"IM FACKING SOAKED" Chelsea commented, looking like a drowned rat on a stick.  
  
"So am I but u don't see me complaining!" Ashley did some trippy matrix thing," Edgar stop staring" and with that Edgar got smacked upside the head by Draco and Legolas and cheese man!  
  
"Hey Cheese man!"  
  
"Hi!"  
  
"What are u doing here?"  
  
"Come to tell u Billy Baldwin and Alec Baldwin are going to take you people to a place in a place with a thing and stuff?"  
  
"Oh.."  
  
Once the gang was rounded up they got back in the hell limo and driven all over gods green acres.  
  
"IIII WANT CANDY!! DO DO DO DO DO III WANT CANDY!! DO DO DO DO DO!" Ashley and Chelsea sang horribly loud and smashed what was left of the windows.  
  
"I LOVE WIENERS!!!" Chelsea laughed (a/n not those kinda wieners.. the hot dog wieners!)  
  
Ashley snorted.  
  
I SAID NOT THOSE KINDA WEINERS!  
  
Ashley gave one them anime sweat drop doodles and grinned sheepishly  
  
Edgar ahermed and everyone looked at him  
  
"Where exactly are we headed?  
  
"Dunno...."  
  
========================  
  
Ashley and her ways. Her chappies are so short! 


	8. Even Leaving Takes An Entire Chapter

Chapter Eight: Even Leaving Takes An Entire Chapter.  
  
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Whoops! I'm a dumbass and neither Jack nor I wanted to update. Technically, it was my (Chelsea/Ob's) turn to update, but OH WELL! MAX CASELLA IN A COP SUIT IN A BUBBLE BATH!  
  
Aherm. I'm okay.  
  
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-  
  
"Okay, I think the Playdium is running a little dry," Chelsea piped up after David got off the merry-go-round a sixteenth time.  
  
"YOU'RE running dry!" Ashley pointed a very intimidating finger at Chelsea, who hissed back at her, baring her fangs.  
  
"Besides, I thought we was at Playland!" Marco cried, and Chelsea handed him a tissue. Marco blew his nose, and blood came out, spilling all over himself and some poor, defenseless six-year-old who just happen to walk under Marco with some cotton candy. The kid ran off crying, coincidentally looking like Gabriel Damon *shifty eyes* and into the bathroom.  
  
Suddenly, Sam Emerson ran up to David, Bleeding Marco, Chelsea and Ashley, panting hard.  
  
Ashley frowned in confusion. "What the hell have you been doing? Chelsea's right here, does that mean you were...? Were you just...? You are...? That's pretty uh..."  
  
"Jeebus Creebus, woman will you finish a thought?!" Chelsea bellowed, attempting to slap air but accidentally slugging Ashley in the jaw. That's when Chelsea ran.  
  
"What's the hurry, Emerson?" David asked, his mouth full of bloody cotton candy.  
  
"Rainbow just broke down and Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Jack The Ripper, Legolas and every goddamned character in the story is DEAD! Except Billy Baldwin, of course, who shall remain the most superior man in history, since he has a large job in bleeping out swear words, which, by the way, nowadays has a mighty large percent of popularity in present-day language."  
  
Everyone stared at Sam.  
  
The reason wasn't quite for certain, however. It could be that his head was a little messed up from ramming into that invisible telephone pole; or that all of his friends could be dead; or maybe it was because his sentence was a large run-on one that didn't make any sense whatsoever, making him sound desperate to sound smart when he's really just crying out for help and needs to see a shrink and tell him or her than the end of the world is coming when Nick Stahl and his pack of rabid, obese turtles gnaw away at our freedom and doom mankind for all eternity while eating large buckets of --  
  
"Will you shut up?!" Marco hawked a loogie and spit it on the ground, hitting his 'good dead self', Bill. (A/N: If you haven't seen Bill & Teds Bogus Adventure, don't ask) "Jeez, you're making fun of SAM for not making sense!" Bill & Ted, who were paralyzed from the fall off 'Rainbow', twitched under the big loogie of spit Marco spat on them.  
  
"Nick Stahl's hot," Chelsea appeared, holding a large cardboard cut-out of Nick Stahl naked.  
  
"SHIT! MY EYES!" David covered his eyes with his gloved hands.  
  
"He's got a hairy chest," Ashley observed, staring.  
  
"But mine is better, right?" Kiefer, erm, David asked, ripping his shirt open, one of the buttons hitting Chelsea in the eye.  
  
Ashley had to see for herself. She whipped out a bright pink comb from her ponytail and combed David's chest hair; almost losing it after the mounds of curly hair almost ate it.  
  
"Yipe!" Ashley tore her hand away from the comb, which was lodged in between blonde chest hair. "That's so gross, man."  
  
"THAT was mature," Chelsea stated.  
  
"I vote that we round up whoever is NOT dead and get the [blip] out of here," Sam Emerson said, Chelsea agreeing with him in an instant.  
  
"Waiit a minute!" David held up his hands. "How come the 'f' word was bleeped out, but Charlene's naked picture of Nick Stahl wasn't bleeped out?"  
  
"Maybe he's gay and he found the picture hot!" Sam declared, and everyone laughed. Hard.  
  
Billy Baldwin shifted his eyes nervously.  
  
"What ever happened to Neo, Trinity, Frodo, erm, Gimli, and erm, everyone else Jack brought into the story? OH! And those HOT-ASS newsies!! Where have they gone!?!" Chelsea darted around in circles quickly.  
  
"Up your ass," Ashley replied, shaking her head, not really sure if she should have said anything.  
  
"No, that's Max Casella's job -- JUST KIDDING!" Chelsea quickly added after earning SO MANY faces of disgust. Dwayne, Paul, Edgar and Alan (They somehow arrived) Sam, Marco, David, Ashley and Michael looked on in...wait a minute.  
  
"What the fuck are YOU doing back!?" Sam demanded.  
  
"What's with the slackness, Baldwin!? GET WITH THE PROGRAM!?" Chelsea shouted unnecessarily.  
  
"SORRY! T-This job is s-so stressful sometimes!" Billy began to cry, and Chelsea began to laugh.  
  
"Let's all go," Michael said, looking even paler than Marco. Marco was jealous.  
  
"No, I'm not!" Marco protested, following the giant thumb as it pointed to a sign that said, 'Free Poison'.  
  
Yes you are. You're jealous. You just wish you were as ugly as Michael --  
  
"Exactly!" Michael crossed his arms, not realizing the insult.  
  
"You know what? You're a LOUSY LEE-DER!! I mean, writer!" Marco stammered.  
  
"Yes. NO MORE QUOTING THE SUPER MARIO BROTHERS FOR YOU!" Marco was slapped, and Chelsea laughed. Marco then fell into the vat of poison, melting his face to the bone. Marco screamed, but nobody did anything. Normally, Marco's 'good dead self', Bill S. Preston Esquire would come to the rescue, but as he was paralyzed on the cement, he wasn't capable.  
  
William (Billy) Baldwin ran out of the shadows and got lost, then he found his way to Marco and pulled him out of the unexplained cauldron of poison, to show the world Marco's nasty ass face that was half eaten and resembled the Terminator.  
  
Chelsea squealed like a fan girl. "TERMINATOR!!! NICK STAHL! AHHH!! STARRED WITH MEL GIBSON IN MAN WITHOUT A FACE! AAHHH STARRED IN SINGS WITH JOAQUIN PHOENIX! AHH!! WAS BROTHERS WITH RIVER PHOENIX!! AHH!! STARRED WITH COREY FELDMAN IN STAND BY ME! AAHH! STARRED WITH COREY HAIM IN THE LOST BOYS! AHH!! WHO IS GOING TO HAVE A BUBBLE BATH WITH ME WHEN WE GET HOME!"  
  
"Okay...wait a minute!" Sam held up his finger.  
  
"Let's go!" Chelsea grabbed Sam's hand, who grabbed Michael's, who grabbed Marco's, who grabbed David's, who grabbed one of the frogs and the other frog grabbed the other two vampira's and everyone ran out of the Playdium/Playland in a single long line. David whistled for a cab, and coincidently enough the driver was Davy Jones, one of the lead singers from THE MONKEES!  
  
"AAHH!! IT'S A MONKEY!" Ashley screamed.  
  
"Thas roight, love," Davy winked, although him being an old man now, it looked a little odd. Davy thought she meant the BAND 'Monkees' and Ashley actually meant the animal. Ashley popped his tires and pulled hi emergency brake and Davy Jones rolled down some unexplained hill to his death, although he shall remain loved by Chelsea.  
  
"Cheer up sleepy jean! Oh what can it mean? To a daydream believer and a...homecoming Queen!" Chelsea sand 'Daydream Believer' by The Monkees, and she was slapped. She waved her hand for another taxi and the person driving it this time was just simply Michael Jackson.  
  
"Let's go home and we'll ALL have a bubble bath!" David shrieked like a girl, hopping like madwoman.  
  
"No WAY am I getting in the bath with THAT thing!" The two Frog brothers said in unison, referring to Marco, who still had half of his face melted away, kind of resembling the driver of the cab.  
  
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End file.
